Nurturing Emotional Regulation: A Lifelong Gift for Children
“Children learn how to regulate their emotions through "co-regulation." The better we can soothe them when they are agitated, or support them when they are low, the better they "absorb" how to do this for themselves.”
-Dr. Stuart Shanker
In the vast landscape of childhood development, emotional regulation shines as a beacon of resilience and well-being. It is the cornerstone of a child’s emotional intelligence and the key to navigating life’s difficulties with grace. Emotional regulation empowers children to recognize, understand, and manage their emotions, fostering healthier connections with themselves and others.
Understanding and managing our emotions, also known as emotional regulation, is a vital skill developed during early childhood (Thompson, 1994). These skills become the foundation for navigating life’s complexities, developing healthy relationships, and maintaining overall emotional wellness.
As caregivers and guardians, we play a crucial role in shaping the emotional landscape of our children. By nurturing emotional regulation from the earliest years, we equip our children with a lifelong gift, the ability to thrive emotionally and flourish in a complex world.
Emotional regulation starts developing in infancy and continues into adulthood, shaped primarily by our experiences with early caregivers and our environment (Thompson, 1994). A central concept in this process is ‘co-regulation; the interactive process between the child and caregiver that helps children manage their emotional states and responses (Murray et al., 2015).
Co-Regulation: A Stepping-Stone to Emotional Self-Regulation
Co-regulation, an integral aspect of emotional development, is the dynamic and reciprocal interaction between caregiver and child that fosters the child’s ability to self-regulate. This process serves as a warm, supportive bridge guiding children from external regulation of their emotions by caregivers to their own self-regulation.
A caregiver’s attuned responses to a child’s emotional needs provide a safe space for the child to explore their feelings. These attuned interactions model how to respond to emotions in a healthy and adaptive way, laying the groundwork for self-regulation skills.
Children who experience consistent, empathetic co-regulation in their early years are more likely to develop a robust ability to self-regulate, leading to improved emotional well-being, resilience, and social relationships in the long term.
It is important to remember that co-regulation is not about suppressing or avoiding emotions, but about understanding and managing them. Encouraging children to express their feelings, acknowledging those feelings, and guiding them toward appropriate responses fosters an environment conducive to the development of emotional regulation.
Research suggests that a caregiver’s ability to self-regulate is pivotal in promoting co-regulation (Hoffman, Crnic, & Baker, 2006). As caregivers show understanding, patience, and calmness during a child’s emotional distress, children learn to mimic these responses. The consistency of this caregiver’s behavior helps children understand and manage their emotions effectively (Sroufe, 1996).
Before caregivers can effectively co-regulate with their children, it is vital that they are able to regulate their own emotions. A caregiver who is calm, empathetic, and responsive provides a secure base from which a child can learn to navigate their emotions. Conversely, a caregiver struggling with their own emotional regulation may inadvertently reinforce maladaptive coping strategies.
Caregivers’ emotional reactions can serve as potent models for children, who are remarkably perceptive and often mirror the emotional responses they observe. If a caregiver consistently responds to stress with patience and calm, a child is likely to internalize these responses and apply them to their own experiences. Caregiver self-regulation is not about masking emotions, but about demonstrating healthy ways to manage them.
However, not all children are granted the opportunity to develop these vital skills early on, possibly leading to difficulties in emotional regulation later in life. Traumatic experiences can disrupt the normal development of emotional regulation (Perry & Szalavitz, 2017). The good news is that parents can always work on improving their emotional regulation skills, benefiting themselves while also passing on these valuable skills to their children. Psychoeducation, mindfulness practices, and therapy can assist individuals in understanding and managing their emotions more effectively (Denham, 2006).
Emotional Regulation: A Lifelong Gift
Emotional regulation is more than just a developmental milestone; it is a foundational skill that underlies many aspects of lifelong health, well-being, and success. As caregivers, we have the unique opportunity to lay the groundwork for this vital skill through responsive, empathetic co-regulation and by modeling healthy emotional regulation ourselves.
The importance of developing emotional regulation during childhood cannot be overstated. As children learn to manage their feelings, they are better equipped to manage stress, form healthy relationships, and succeed academically (Blair & Raver, 2015). This, in turn, contributes to mental health and emotional well-being in adulthood (Gross, 2002).
What matters most is that we, as caregivers, strive to show up in the best way we can, fostering a safe, nurturing environment where our children can learn to navigate the complex world of emotions. The impact of these early experiences, positive or negative, extends far beyond childhood, shaping not just our children’s emotional landscape, but their entire life trajectory.
Emotional regulation skills contribute significantly to a child’s social-emotional competence, equipping them to interact positively with others, resolve conflicts, and adapt to changes and challenges. These competencies underpin their experiences in school, their relationships, and, eventually, their professional lives.
Ultimately by fostering emotional regulation in children, we are not only promoting their immediate well-being but also equipping them with the emotional intelligence and resilience they need to thrive throughout life.
Thank you for joining us in this exploration of emotional regulation. As always, we are here to support you in your parenting journey, providing you with the knowledge and tools you need to raise emotionally intelligent, resilient children. Remember, the gift of emotional regulation you give your child today is a legacy of resilience, understanding, and growth they will carry with them for a lifetime.
References
Blair, C., & Raver, C. C. (2015). School readiness and self-regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 711-731.
Denham, S. A. (2006). Social-emotional competence as support for school readiness: What is it and how do we assess it? Early Education and Development, 17(1), 57-89.
Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.
Hoffman, C., Crnic, K. A., & Baker, J. K. (2006). Maternal depression and parenting: Implications for children’s emergent emotion regulation and behavioral functioning. Parenting: Science and Practice, 6(4), 271-295.
Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K., Christopoulos, C., & Hamoudi, A. (2015). Self-Regulation and Toxic Stress: Foundations for Understanding Self-Regulation from an Applied Developmental Perspective. OPRE Report #2015-21, Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health, and Human Services.
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook–What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing (3rd ed.). Basic Books.
Raver, C. C. (2004). Placing emotional self-regulation in sociocultural and socioeconomic contexts. Child Development, 75(2), 346-353.
Sroufe, L. A. (1996). Emotional development: The organization of emotional life in the early years. Cambridge University Press.
Thompson, R. A. (1994). Emotion regulation: A theme in search of a definition. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 59(2-3), 25-52.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Michelle R. Chasen, MA, LCMHCA, NCC is a licensed clinical psychotherapist in Chapel Hill, North Carolina who specializes in depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, and loss, relational issues and the deep-seated pain of attachment wounds.
